


Maybe

by Badgers_Bitch



Category: Better Call Saul (TV), Breaking Bad
Genre: Breaking Bad Spoilers, Drug Abuse, I haven't written in years, I swear, I'm so sorry, Jesse will be happy, Kind of Fix It, M/M, Saul is in love and despereate, accepting saul, first breaking bad fanic yo!, maybe gender fluid Jesse?, nude jesse, sort of, we don't know, what is tagging?, why ain't there more fics of this pairing, will there be sex?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-06
Updated: 2016-03-06
Packaged: 2018-05-25 02:15:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6176326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Badgers_Bitch/pseuds/Badgers_Bitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My sort of Jesse/Saul AU. Starts in the second season after Jesse's fallen into the toilet of doom<br/>Jesse was kicked out, and Saul basically picks him up and so the story goes...<br/>Will be multi-chapter and the chapters will mostly be connected</p>
            </blockquote>





	Maybe

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tea221b](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tea221b/gifts), [jesuschristmarie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jesuschristmarie/gifts).



> I was inspired by Tea221b and jesuschristmarie's works on this pairing to finally get of my ass and start writing again and good god i missed it. So this story is dedicated to them for helping me getting my motivation back :D  
> Disclaimer: English is not my first language so if there are any mistakes please point them out  
> Now on with the story

His life sucked great, big and hairy balls. After the great exodus out of his house, searching for a place to stay and failing miserably, losing his bike and much worse, laying in a poodle of blue gunk and excrements he had enough. At least it couldn’t get much worse. Jesse groaned as he lifted his tired and protesting body up from the smelly and vomit worthy liquid and staggered to his feet. The blonde’s knees, hell his whole frame, shock with the build up exhaustion of the past few weeks. Or years, it depends on how you look at it. As he tried to get a lungful of fresh air he gagged, the chemical smell paired with the stickiness of his skin made him quiver as he closed his eyes, trying to fight off the nausea. His eyes burned behind their closed lids, and soon the hot tears began to run down his bony cheeks, only to cool at the hollow of his throat.

It made him shudder, how low he has sunken.

Lying in a pool of shit, not even able to properly stand anymore and sobbing like a fucking twelve year old. Good job, he thought, you’ve discretely managed to ruin your life. Just what a fuck up he was. Despite his aching bones he stumbled a few steps further until his throat closed up, legs buckling underneath him as he broke down completely, the stress unraveling on the lot of Badger’s cousin. And fuck his friends, he sniffed as he thought of them. He had never felt so utterly alone before. Rolling from his knees onto his ass, he tried to wipe at the annoying liquid escaping his eyes, instead making them sting even more because of the chemicals that were slicked all over his body and clothes.

He let his eyes wander across the landscape, trying to find something of interest to occupy his mind. The blond was about to give up when he spotted a dimly lit bill board boasting the words “Better Call Saul”, the mug of the lawyer plastered on top of a, even in the dim light of the street lamps, impossibly yellow background, which makes Jesse’s eyes hurt, causing him to squint at the number on the bottom, written in bold white. He coughed, running a hand through his hair. Yeah, a lawyer would be dope right now. Could maybe help to get his house back. But first, he needed a working phone, and well aware that no, he can’t even walk into a gas station looking like this, because getting arrested wasn’t high on his list he wanted to do today, he made up his mind, searching for the nearest phone booth.

Unsurprisingly, at least for him it was, he couldn’t find one to save his life, so back to his misery, now outside the lot and in some part of the city he didn’t know. He was just about to curl up in some alley with a few hiding spaces, because fuck it, he knew this city and sleeping without something to hide behind was like, an invitation to get killed, or robbed, or both. Would have to be both in his case, with his luck. Poor guy though, would kill him for nothing, because all he had on him were his clothes and blue slime. But as his life wanted to fuck him over again it seemed, he saw the tell tale sign of the most cliché Statue of Liberty he had ever seen, because yes, even in New Mexico they apparently still like this lady.

It stood proudly -but come on, how proud can this atrocity of a trademark be- on top of the office. The light was still on, it seemed to be a busy night. Jesse shuddered as a cold breeze made its way down his oversized clothes, chilling him to the bone. The ABQ got fucking cold at night, so without much thinking he made his way over to the inviting building, but shit, everything was inviting after the chilling air and soreness in his whole body. So don’t sue him for seeking warmth in his situation. Just as he reaches the almost safety he can see a man, the man, coming through a door in the back of the office.

The blond halts his steps, because he doesn’t want to look too creepy, just standing in front of his door in the middle of the night, because that’s not what normal people do. He almost turns around and leaves, clearly the man had a long work day and wanted to get home and not listen to Jesse Pinkman bawling over his life, because damn it, he just wanted to talk to somebody who didn’t judge him or tell him he’s a failure and stupid, but he’s starting to think that too and maybe he’s not wrong. Just as he thought he would high-tail out of here, into some empty alley, like where was he to go, the man looked up from the papers on the front desk and straight into Jesse’s eyes.

The younger man waved lightly, very nice Pinkman, smooth, and now the man was eyeing him curiously while he walked to the door, looking calm as ever as if this was a daily occurrence for him, and heck it might be, how would Jesse know? This man, tall with brown hair, looked indeed like he had a long day. Still he opened the door for Jesse, which he was very thankful for, because he didn’t even comment on the smell as he asked: “Why are you covered in blue slime?”

Jesse still had it in him to chuckle, because damn that expression. It’s odd because he came for a lawyer in order to get the house back, his house, thank you very much, but stayed for the good coffee and conversation. Which started with a awkward silence, and much more awkward explaining, because what was he supposed to say, _They kicked me out for a ‘Speed Lab’_ , ended with Jesse telling him just that, because this is Saul Goodman, and he is one persuasive piece of meat.

And yeah, normally Jesse doesn’t like such people, because Walter White parallels, but somehow Saul still seemed to get his point. Even then, instead of trying to get the job, the lawyer tells him to just call it a night, because _I got a nice couch and shit_ , and takes Jesse home, who although reluctantly follows him to his car.

* * *

Never has a shower ever felt better, the seemingly endless hot water supply washing away the grime on his skin and the tension in his posture. He came out of the bathroom smelling fresh, his hair tangle free and clothed in an oversized, at least for him, AC/DC-Shirt and shit, Saul’s music taste wasn’t half bad. He sat at the table in the middle of a honey colored kitchen, a soft light casting from the lamp above their heads, and before he knew it he was munching away on cereal. Honestly, he could have eaten cardboard and wouldn’t have complained because even that would feel good in his empty stomach, following up with a cool beer and as soon as his body hit the comfy couch he’s out like a light.

Jesse woke up to the smell off toast and butter, the aroma drifting through the cool air in the living room right to his nose and before he knows it he’s up and about, stumbling over the carpet and almost wrecking the coffee table. And damn, that must’ve been loud, because Saul is crouching in front off him, all frantic hands and shit, helping him sit up and running his hands over Jesse’s body in search of injury, which no, he didn’t really have but he wasn’t about to complain because Saul had really nice hands, warm and big and gentle and so different from all others'…

“Kid, you in there?”

Oh right. He nodded slightly as the man helped him up and escorted him to his seat at the kitchen table. As the older man let go of his arm he already missed the warmth of him, and that’s fucking weird, like what? He shoved the thoughts to the back of his mind when a few slices of toast with eggs and ham was placed in front of him. Maybe he died in his sleep and this was heaven. Saul looked up from his newspaper and smiled, taking in the sight of Jesse Pinkman, a man he’s known since yesterday, practically inhaling his food and somehow he felt a bit lighter. 

* * *

As the days turned into a week Jesse realized that, yeah, Saul had let him stay for over a week and not complained about his occupation of the couch or his late night small talk. And damn he hadn’t even said thanks yet.

Oh, what an inconsiderate asshole he is.

The man was currently at work, having complained about dumb clients at breakfast, which made Jesse smile. This was also a fact that he started to notice soon after Saul had taken him in. He felt better. Not because he was clean shaven and his stomach was full, but emotionally, which makes him feel lighter, appreciated even, when Saul laughs at his jokes or smiles at him from over his papers. So the blonde wanted to show him how thankful he was. After cleaning up the kitchen and doing the dishes, Jesse sorted through the magazines that covered almost the whole coffee table, and put them away in separate boxes, which he put under the table.

He looked trough Saul’s DVD collection, noting that he liked Star Wars and filing that away under SAUL: IMPORTANT INFO, which currently only included: love for coffee, love for bad lawyer series and 80’s music.

And honestly, this was embarrassing, because Saul already knew all his favorite dishes, his taste in music, that he likes to draw and how his family situation is. Just like that he realized that he was probably boring the man to early death. The blonde sat down on the floor, his thoughts seemingly spun in circles around Saul. They had been on first name basis since Jesse was first invited here. And to be honest, he will miss the man when the lawyer finally gets sick of him like everyone else. His teachers, his supposed friends and his parents. To everyone else he was just baggage that they wanted to discard , and soon Saul would see him as such too. A pang of sadness made his heart ache at that thought.

Yes, leaving would be a real pain.

But as long as he still could stay he wanted to help the man as good as he could and in the only way he could, because Jesse didn’t see himself as a man of big talents. The least he could do is clean up further and so he made his way up the stairs of Saul small house. It was painted a nice color on the outside, a pale blue, almost white with a nice fence surrounding the small garden in the front, a few nicely placed bushes taking care of the otherwise quite sterile looking environment. The porch was made out of hazel wood, a chair with a few cushions making it look quite homey. The front door was adorned by a few carvings on the frame, resembling waves. Saul liked the sea, having a pond in the backyard. The backyard itself wasn’t as plain, a path of stone leading up to Saul’s pond where his fish swam in lazy circles, Mr. and Mrs. Blubb. Jesse had asked about the names, just to see the lawyer smile and tell him that he needed some good old normality and what was better than cliche names? Jesse didn’t question further after that.

If Saul liked to keep things simple in his private live, because come on, his job and clients were far from simple and normal, quite the opposite as Jesse got to hear everyday after the older man came home from work. He would complain about housewives who wanted a divorce and meanwhile poured their hearts out to him _as if I was a marriage counselor_ , but Jesse would assure him that he didn’t mind when the lawyer started to apologize for whining. He really didn’t mind the funny stories or Saul’s groaning and moaning about them. It was entertaining to watch the man crumble on the coach, face planting first into the soft leather, only to realize a second later that he had disrupted Jesse’s bedding and starting to apologize for the inconvenience. Again, Jesse didn’t mind, because when he went to bed at night, he sometimes smelt a faint trace of Saul’s cologne and it helped him find some sleep. He smelt nice. The inside of the house was like another world, cluttered but not uncomfortable, with wooden planks instead of a linoleum floor in the kitchen and the bathroom with nice stone, where he liked to lay down for a bit, the material cooling his overheated skin.

As he came into the room the first time, he was surprise to see a big shower in one corner and a bathtub made of fine ceramic adorning the other one. On the stone floor were a few carpets, silky and white, paired with the beige, gold and white marmor stone they laid upon creating the illusion of walking above the clouds. The windows were big, allowing the sun to shine in, and as Jesse found out one night, the moon also reflected through the windows onto the stone. A sink with minimalist faucets still kept it simple and toned it down.

As Jesse started to scrub the bathtub he thought back to his second night here, laying in the hot water and almost drifting off only to be awoken by a knock on the door, Saul asking if he can come in and _please just tell me if you’re naked and I should leave_ , to which Jesse just laughed and told him that _Dude this is your house and there’s like bubbles everywhere so don’t mind me_. So Saul inched the door open, almost as if he was afraid to look but poked his head in anyway, glancing to Jesse only to look away after his brown eyes met Jesse’s pure crystal.

Ironic. How eyes could look so innocent and still so awfully wrong, considering the blonde’s career. Saul cleared his throat, trying not to notice the way Jesse’s shoulder gleamed in the pale light of the lamp above their heads, coated in a soft sheen of water and soap, or how his hair had little droplets of water in it, making it look darker than it truly was. As he looked back to Jesse’s face however, he was startled to see the younger man looking at him and only then did he notice that he had indeed been staring. He shock his head lightly to clear his thoughts and opened the door wider, leaning against the dark wooden frame, trying to play it cool, and failing miserably. As he glanced back down to Jesse’s face he expected to see him weirded out or something, instead he saw a wounded look on his face and he seemed to shrink into himself, noticing in what a vulnerable position he was in. His eyes were big, so incredibly large and swallowing the dark haired man whole as the blonde asked: “Saul… is something wrong?”

Said man only shock his head slowly, almost lazily if it wasn’t for the fact that he was tense all over himself, the situation awkward, when he had only come to him to tell the boy that dinner was ready. He hurried out a _no, nothing’s wrong… just wanted to tell you dinner’s ready… okay…_ and had left Jesse in silence, stunned and embarrassed. What if something was wrong and Saul didn’t want to tell him? He pulled his knees up, resting his chin on them.

He snapped out of his daydream as the front door opened and Jesse cursed as he had still to clean the shower and vacuum the whole house, well excluding Saul’s room, because he had never been invited there and he didn’t want to invade the lawyer’s privacy. Still, he resumed his task in order to finish before Saul came up the stairs. No such luck as a _Jesse?_ rang through the stairway, and before he could reply Saul peaked into the room. His eyes roamed to room before coming to a stop on Jesse’s, who wore a sheepish grin, waving a quick hello and dripping the liquid soap onto the floor.

“What are you doing?”

“Just cleaning the house, yo.”

* * *

   


The first time Jesse knocked on the door of Saul’s room was when he had had a horrible nightmare, the image’s of his fears still hunting him in the shadows of the house. His heart rate had picked up so high that he thought he would have an attack. He took the stair two at a time, almost breaking his neck on the ascend. He felt so cold, the fine sheen of sweat quickly cooling on his pale skin. He rounded the corner to the lawyer’s room in a hurry, at least until he saw something move in the shadows and _damn it why is there a damn rug?!_ Jesse almost lost his footing, but recovering quickly, and this is the time he had to admit that no, he hadn’t knocked, but had busted into the room, and after locating it, threw his body onto the bed next to Saul, who startled awake, his eyes tired but alert.

The older man watched for danger, but as he couldn’t find it, he looked at Jesse’s quivering form next to him. The kid’s eyes were pressed close, tears lazily running down his defined cheeks, and damn he was still so skinny, even after a month of staying with Saul.

“Hey Jesse? What’s got ya all scared?”

“Are they gone?”, the blonde asked in a small voice, curling up on himself.

The dark haired man frowned, his eyes scanning the otherwise empty room. “Is who gone?”, he inquired, ushering Jesse up in order to lift the cover so that Jesse could climb in. Only as the boy was slotted against him, all small and sad, tears still streaming into the hollow of his throat did he answer. “Emilio and Krazy 8.” And honestly, Saul didn’t know what he was supposed to answer. What did he want to hear? _Yeah, you killed them_ or _No they aren’t in here_.

“Yeah.”

From that night on the couch was vacant at night.

* * *

   


As sweat ran down his forehead, only to be dapped away by a tissue, Saul sighed into the humid air of his office. Another slow day and the AC was dead. Just great. Just as he wanted to close up, swatting at a fly, a quiet knock rang through the office, almost making him jump out of the chair, but regardless he called them in, hoping it was just Francesca and she would tell him that she was closing up for the day. But as the door opened, a misty eyed Jesse poked his head in, before shuffling in front of a stunned Saul’s desk, who then offered him a seat.

The desk seemed like a border, a mountain to cross.

Still, Saul asked in the most cheery tone he could offer: “Young master Pinkman! What can I do for you?”

But Jesse just looked him dead in the eye, not fazed by Saul’s enthusiasm.

“Mr. White called.”

Jesse swallowed hard around a sob building up in his throat. Saul nodded, pressing out a _when?_

“I was making lunch. The phone rang and- … I picked up, I dumb fuck-!”

“Hey…, don-”

“I dumb mother fucker should have just looked!”

Jesse’s body heaved in his seat, arms shacking and hands clasped together so tightly, knuckles white and seemingly wanting to pop through his skin with the strain put on them. Saul shivered as Jesse chuckled sharply, a cut-off sound, almost like a hiss through clenched teeth, eyes meeting his and shining with tears, so unbelievably blue and Saul wanted nothing more than to scoop the trembling boy up in his arms, the twisted expression on his face pulling at his heart, begging him to kiss it better. If he only could, but this was not the time. Maybe never. Still the lawyer gestured for him to go on, his hand circling the air before coming to rest on his desk again, fingers tapping anxiously at the old wood.

Jesse shock his head slightly, before his gaze came to rest on the wall, and his mouth twitched into a pained scowl. He wiped his nose on the sleeve of his oversized hoodie, gathering his thoughts.

“He wants to cook again. Fucking told me off for it beforehand, don’t contact me Jesse! But he can burst into my life and just demand action from me? Yo, this is not how this works!”

A sop filtered through his teeth and he took a deep breath. “The bastard thinks he can control me, and fuck, he ain’t even wrong! And don’t you fucking dare give me that look!” Jesse’s fists uncurled only to grip the wood and drag his nails over it, pealing the paint off.

Saul couldn’t help himself.

“Hey now! Watch it! That’s a perfectly fine desk you’re pealing apart!”

Apparently, this was the wrong thing to say, because as soon as it left his mouth Jesse got up, shook his head again and marched to the door. He stopped in front of it, resting his aching head on the cold material, sniffling and turning one last time in the lawyer’s direction. “Sorry that I bothered you. Won’t happen again.” Saul wanted to protest, tell the younger man that he hadn’t meant it that way, but his tongue seemed to be stuck at the roof of his dry mouth.

When he came home later that night Jesse was gone.

* * *

   


It had been months since Saul had last heard from Jesse. He hadn’t answered his calls. The house had lost his smell. It was as if he had never existed in Saul’s life. Maybe it was for the better. Even with this mindset, he had vivid dreams of a lithe body under his, moaning his name.

_Oh yeah, Saul pleaseeeee… ah-._

He was disgusted by himself, thinking about the kid like this. But fuck it, he missed the smaller man who had curled up next to him in bed or made horrible omelets that Saul still had eaten. The house was cold without him, suddenly to big for the lawyer alone, feeling like a mansion, to silent and cold. Long story short, Saul was miserable. He had tried to forget the long gone younger spirit, only to end up worrying more about Jesse. What was the kid up to? Where did he go? Last time he checked the boy had been kicked out. But Jesse had never answered his calls, nor had he done something, anything that told him that Jesse was still alive, because Jesus, his work was not exactly a walk in the park.

Saul sighed, the bright light of the TV cutting through the darkness, leaving him with a pounding headache and a feeling of nostalgia. How often had Jesse and he himself sat on this couch, watching Star Wars until it was far past midnight, when Jesse had slipped into sleep at a quiet moment of the movie, leaning against Saul and smelling of cigarettes and beer.

But that was over, and he’ll probably never have this again, all because of his stupid mouth. He was ripped out off his self-loathing by his buzzing phone and had almost let it ring when he caught the caller ID on the screen, prompting him to quickly snatch the phone off of the table and pressing the green button.

“Jesse?!”

“Oh god Saul…”, it was almost a wail, making the hairs on his neck stand.

He swallowed quickly, trying to get his mouth to work, because Damn it not now! when he heard a sob over the line, startling him out of his shock. “Jesse, what’s wrong?! Are you hurt? Where are you?!”, he demanded, his hand holding the phone trembling as he reached out with the other one, switching off the TV, muting the room, now only Jesse’s erratic breathing keeping him company. Just as he wanted to ask again, the other man seemed to have found his voice.

“Please. Come and get me, please. Saul I… I-.”

“Tell me where you are, Jesse.”

* * *

   


Palomita Park was deserted at night, only Jesse sitting on the bench near the swings, head cradled in sickly thin hands, pulling tightly at his hair as Saul approached him. Jesse lifted his head as he heard the man coming towards him, his wet eyes gleaming in the street light, bony cheeks streaked with tears as he sniffled pathetically, at least in his opinion. But the lawyer stayed quiet, sitting down next to him, curling an arm around his shoulders, prompting the younger man to hide his face in the crock of the brunettes‘ neck, throwing his bare arm around his middle. Saul felt his heart constricting at the other‘s misery, feelings bubbling back to the surface as he ran a reassuring hand through Jesse‘s hair.

But now was not the time. Maybe later.

Later would probably never come, or at least that was Saul's view on things. He had driven them home, made Jesse tea and a few sandwiches, which the younger one had puked out a few minutes after, body heaving over the toilet seat.

Saul tried not to take offence.

The lawyer then had ushered the still shaking boy into the bathroom, letting steaming hot water into the tub, and because Jesse was still nauseous, he went through his cabinets in order to find his bath salt, a mild one with lemon smell, in order to help relax him a bit more. As he looked back to Jesse, he saw his shaking frame, a chill seemingly running endlessly through his body. His eyes were red rimmed, but dry for a change, but his whole posture was off. He slouched more than ever, his back arched forward in a half-circle. Saul went over to him, kneeling in front of the boy and taking his face in his hands, his thumb brushing a cheek, at which Jesse closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. The blonde opened his eyes again, the blue shimmering with unshed tears again, threatening to overflow, and he said: “Sorry for the trouble…”

“Anything for you.”

And oh how he meant it.

Even with his unwashed hair, dirty clothes and reeking breath Jesse was beautiful. Though he really could use a toothbrush, because holy fuck his breath could kill. Saul saw him smile, a simple tug at the corner of his mouth and he trailed his hands downwards, rubbing over the blonde‘s arms until he was at the younger man‘s hips, catching the fabric of his old shirt in his fingers, a questioning glance upwards and finding Jesse nodding slightly gave him the consent of pulling it off of the lithe body before him. He made quick work of it, in no time having it discarded on the floor next to them. Saul swallowed hard as he saw what was hidden under the shirt.

He was able to count the boy‘s ribs, the skin over his stomach caved in, pulled tight over the non existing food, his hip bones sharp and defined, jutting out just over the hem of his boxers‘ peaking out. Saul felt his breath stutter at the sight. He wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around the boy again, to tell him that he was save and it was over, but he didn‘t even know what happened, so he willed his body to stand again. Jesse‘s eyes followed him through the room, coming to rest against his back as Saul quickly opened the wrapping of a new toothbrush and proceeding to mount it with a good load of toothpaste. He silently walked over to the boy, big blues staring up at him through long blond lashes as the toothbrush was carefully placed in his hands by Saul.

The blonde lifted it to his open mouth, enjoying the flavor of mint as it chased away what was left of the bile. He was caught off guard as the lawyer asked if he should leave, which he answered with a quick shake of his head, quickly scrubbing his teeth for a minute until he walked over to the sink with quivering legs, spitting into it and washing his mouth with fresh water. Jesse spun around, vision fading in and out, a wave of dizziness overcoming his already weak body and he sunk to the floor, almost hitting the hard stone with his knees before strong arms caught him around his waist, the breath being squeezed out of his lungs. He felt Saul‘s heart thudding _thumb/thumb/thumb/_ under his temple and gasped as a warm hand came carding through his hair. The lawyer‘s words were hushed, breathed against his scalp.

“Jesus Jesse… what was that?”, the older man seemed to be even more shaken than Jesse himself. He was warm, smelled nice, as opposed to the blonde himself. Jesse was aware that he reeked, looked like shit and was pretty shaken, and still Saul was holding him like he was something to be cherished. The younger man shifted in the embrace, righting himself on his feet, and with Saul holding steady managed to nuzzle under the lawyer’s chin. “I wanted to hug you…”, he whispered, feeling the other’s stubble rubbing against his cheek.

He felt better. Still not fine, but okay. He was safe here, tucked against Saul’s lean frame, and warm. He trailed his fingers lightly up Saul’s arm, ghosting over his biceps and feeling the material of his shirt. Saul’s breath stocked, fixated on Jesse’s finger’s moving to his neck, massaging it slightly. Saul wanted to take in every detail, trailing his eyes over the skin on Jesse’s pale arm, reaching the curve of his elbow and halting.

The marks were purple, green, yellow, sick and angry red blotches, punctures against his otherwise flawless skin. His vein was still standing out, pale blue, fading into flesh after a few inches.

If Saul hadn’t been so shocked, he would have heard Jesse frantic _I can explain! It was just a few times! These aren’t fresh!_

He would have seen the water sloshing, a waterfall breaching the edge of the tub, covering the floor in puddles. And _Please Saul, let go! It hurts! Ah! SAUL!_ paired with Jesse’s pained and desperate whimpers as the other one’s finger relentlessly abused the sore area further, his nails digging into the flesh until the fair and thin skin broke and a thin trickle of blood began to run down his arm. He felt like being under a thick blanket, the influences of the world shielding off of him, leaving him lost to his surrounding. His senses betrayed him and he felt heavy, earthed, cold, his hand easing and then slipping off the bruised appendage.

Jesse stumbled backwards, tears streaming down his cheeks he clutched his arm against his chest, sobbing faintly. He eyed the man opposite of him, who just stood in the middle of the room, unmoving. He startled as Saul’s head snapped up, gaze fixated on him as he approached him with carefully measured steps. As the older one saw that Jesse had shrunken into the corner because of him, he halted. Jesse’s eyes were filled with fear and uncertainty and never left his form as the lawyer turned around and closed the tap, cutting the water off, letting the tub drain a bit, before reaching for some towels and starting to wipe the floor.

He never looked at him or spoke to him. Never paid attention while mopping up the mess. After he was done he left the room, closing the door behind him.

That was when Jesse broke down, ripping the remaining clothes from his lithe body and lifting himself into the scalding water, the burn on his skin causing new tears to form under his screwed shut lids, dropping into the water where he was curled up. Everything was so fucked. Again. The older one had seen the evidence, seen how Jesse had passed the time without him. Saul knew enough about drugs to realize that this was way worse than any other one.

But after what happened, happened to Jane, he couldn’t. Never again. It was to painful. What it had done to Jane, it left him hurt. He felt like it was his fault, and let’s be honest, it somehow was. She had been so supportive. Ever the helping one.

_“Hey I- uh I read in the paper that this flat was free, and I kinda need a place to stay.” A moment of silence over the line before a female voice answered in a bored tone: “Sure, you okay with the rent?” Jesse swallowed. “Yeah, yeah it’s fine.” The woman chuckled. “Okay, so with whom do I have the honor?” “The names Jesse”, he told her, prompting “Is there a last name somewhere?” “If I get yours?” Another laugh. Then “Okay mister, I’m Jane. Margolis.” She added the last part after a breath. “Jesse Jackson.” “You sure?” Jesse nodded, even though he knew she couldn’t see him. After he had left Saul standing in his office, he hadn’t known what to do, but he needed a place to stay. So he had scanned to local paper for ads and had found the nice house. It was necessary. “Yeah, I’m sure.”_

Jesse couldn’t even blame Saul for his outburst. He would have reacted the same way had the lawyer been the one to stumble into the next drug. Only that Saul didn’t do drugs. He wasn’t even a smoker, only occasionally drinking a beer or two. Saul had never demanded that he stopped. _Jesse, I don’t want you to die because of something silly like this. It’s not worth it. But I won’t tell you how to live your life. I just want the best for you, you’re my friend Jesse and I care for you. But I want you to promise me, if you get any problems, drug related or not, I want you to tell me, I want to help. Please…_

He had nodded, gripped the lawyer’s shoulder gently and smiled a crooked grin. _I will, I promise._

He should have just stayed with Saul. It was dumb from him to just bail. Saul hadn’t meant to hurt him.

_“Watch it! That’s a perfectly fine desk you’re pealing apart!”_

And yet he had.

How can a man be so gently with him, and not even realize how hard his words could hit. But maybe it was just Jesse. Words always had hit him since he could remember, nearly never gently. He was just so used to take offence. He smiled, the expression bitter on his features. Now he was home, back again. He carded his hands through the bubbles, smelling the lemon. Saul had been so good to him again, making him food, a nice bath, trying to help settle his stomach, and yet he’d been so brutal again, even if he hadn’t meant it.

But Jesse had always found that forgiving him was far too simple.

_Jane smiled as she gave him the key for his flat. “So, welcome home neighbor.” Jesse hadn’t felt the need to correct her. This wasn’t home, never could be, but he would live, always did. So he just muttered a “Thanks Jane.”_

The blue eyed boy closed his eyes as he felt the now comfortably warm water sink into his bones, warming the almost all time present chill. The one he always seemed to get when he was alone. Saul had been like the warmest bath, the most snuggly comforter. Still was. But Jane had been a good substitute.

_“So Jesse, tell me about what’s got you down.” It had been two days since Jesse had moved in. The flat was still too big. He’d hoped the feeling would vanish. It didn’t. It was plain, without decor and a new mattress on the floor, but bare of anything else. He wanted, he had told himself, to feel like it was home. But he had also been aware that something was missing, and so he hadn’t bothered. “It’s nothing”, he dismissed, taking a drag from his cigarette and eyeing Jane, who sat on the steps of the porch. She leaned back against the pillar, gazing at him through jet black bangs, a small smile playing at her lips. She had a nice face, fair and unblemished. “Come on, you can tell me”, she prompted. Jane was also very curious. “Don’t you trust me?”, she feigned a hurt expression. “I’ve known you for two days, Jesus.” He inhaled through his nose, a soft sniff sounding through the air. How he could get a cold in the ABQ, he didn’t know. “Besides, I don’t wanna be a bother, yo.”_ Not again _. She gave up after that._

The insides of his eyelids began to burn, a familiar feeling now. Jane had been good to him, too. Maybe a bit harsher than Saul at first, and in other ways, but he knew that she had cared. That made it all more painful. After all, people who cared for him were rare. And somehow their life seemed to end all the faster after he met them. Maybe he was just bad luck on two legs. But then again, he already knew that.

_“That guy”, Jane said, pointing at his phone background with a black painted fingernail, “isn’t he that lawyer. You know, the TV guy?”_

_Jesse nodded, eyes on the road even with the traffic light glaring red at them. Jesse’s phone had vibrated again, the screen lighting up and displaying Saul’s profile, brow furrowed as he tried to figure out the Sudoku-Quiz in the paper. He was wearing his favorite Star Wars t-Shirt, and even Darth Vader seemed to glare at the numbers._

_Jesse had taken it on a Tuesday._

_The blonde was relieved when the light finally made up its mind and sprung back to green. He pressed down on the pedal, willing his car to move and wave its way through the afternoon traffic. They had been bowling, because apparently that was what friends did if they didn’t do drugs. “Earth to Jesse. You in there?” Jesse ripped his eyes away from the tree he had been staring at. They had arrived at the house, it seemed. Jesse nodded absentmindly, reaching for the damn phone, willing his gaze not to linger at the screen displaying_ 13 missed calls: Saul, 21 messages: Saul _. “So tell me”, she nudged his shoulder with a warm palm, skin soft and inviting. But not to him. “Why in the world do you have a picture of the TV clown of the ABQ as you’re phone background? And such a personal one?” Jesse sighed, running a hand through his hair._

_“You know what? Maybe it’s personal?” Jane waved him off._

_“Oh please, don’t give me that. I’ve known you for two months and we’ve looked at paintings of vaginas together. We’re basically siblings.” Jesse just pocketed his car key and got out, slamming the door shut._

He’d been to harsh on her, he knew that now. She’d just wanted to help. By now Jesse wasn’t sure if the sting in his eyes had worsened because of the memories or the shampoo that kept running into his eyes, a hand coming up to rub them as he finished scrubbing his skull with the other one. He reached back, with a twist of his hand letting a bit of water down the drain, regulating the height before taking the shower head again, setting the water to a nice temperature before washing his head.

_“Jesse…”_

_“Jane.”_

_“He hurt you, I take it?” Jesse inhaled sharply._

_“I take it you won’t leave it alone?”_

_Jane shock her head, taking his hand and tracing his tattoo. “I care for you, you dipshit. And I wanna know if I gotta beat him up.” A smile tugged at the corner of his lips and he dragged his palm over his face._

_“Yes, he did. But it wasn’t like, intentional or something’.” The dark haired woman nodded her understanding. “He picked me up, let me stay with him when my parents kicked me out of my own house. He made me breakfast, looked after me when I needed it. I was really happy with him.”_

_Jesse realized his wording was a bit bad as Jane blurted out: “So you were a couple?! You and that guy? But you’re so different!”_

_“No, no, we weren’t. He was just friendly. Saul always was. Just friendly I mean.” He was well aware that he was scrambling for words. Unfortunately, the fair skinned girl noticed the light blush coating his cheeks. With a smirk she shifted her ass from right next to him to in front of his, gripping his shoulders and shaking his frame slightly._

_“Jesse, it’s obvious, you’re head over heels.”_

_“ ‘m not”, he muttered, already defeated. Jane smiled, a soft curve of her mouth, before the corners pulled down again. “So then, what gives? Why are you mopping here and not living it up with your man?”_

_“Because he’s not my man”, the blonde groaned, “And I fucked up.” “_

_I thought he fucked up?”, Jane prompted. Jesse sighed. “I overreacted where I shouldn’t have.” “Why?” Jesse chuckled._

_“He told me to stop chipping off the paint of his office desk.”_

_“Sounds like something you’d do.”_

_“I know.”_

Lounging in the water was nice, and Jesse started to drift off.

_“You know, it sounds like he likes you too, a lot. I wouldn’t make you breakfast, you’re too picky for my taste.” Jesse grinned. “I slept in his bed…”_

_“Oh gawd, Jesse! And you just ran for the hills?! Go back man!” The grin faded, and his posture with it. The man slumped against the cushion of the couch. “Jane”, it was croaked out, the energy having suddenly left his body. “I don’t think he wants me back again.” Jane looked at him incredulously. “Why the hell not?” “He stopped phoning.”_

Jesse was fast asleep.

* * *

   


Saul found him in the morning, passed out against the wall of the tub, the water freezing and his skin blue. Saul made quick work of draining the tub, until all it was filled with was Jesse’s naked form. The lawyer thought it would be harder not to sport a boner. Had to be, really. But all he felt was sadness, a deep ache glowing in his bones, resting in his core as he saw the infected arm, curled against a otherwise infected body.

His hands shock as he cradled Jesse’s head in his rough hands. “Jesse. Jess…wake up…” “Hmm?”, tired eyes blinked open, unfocused, before coming to rest on his face. Saul thought that maybe the younger one would startle, shrink away from his touch. Instead he leaned into it, slowly resting his hand on top of Saul’s, looking up at him. “I’m naked.” It wasn’t a question. Saul nodded, swallowing with wide eyes. The boy just sighed, his neck straining to support his head, closing his eyes as a shiver ran through his frame, the fine hairs on his body standing. “Am I supposed to help you out? Or do you… should I go?” Jesse looked up at him, eyes sparkling with mischief as he stretched himself, baring his body in front of the other as if they had known each other forever, no distrust from last night, nothing but a soft blush coating his cheeks as he wiggled his toes, smiling.

It caused Saul to smile too, watching as Jesse moved his toes before lazily stretching his arms out in the lawyer’s direction. “You’re really one of a kind.” Jesse chuckled softly against his neck as he was lifted bridal style, being carried into Saul’s room where the lawyer rubbed him down with a fluffy towel, minding his injury. Jesse watched him rummaging through his drawers before lifting up a pair of boxers with a triumphant _Aha!_ and handing them to Jesse, who watched him front the bottom of the bed. The blond put them on and started to crawl under the covers as hands settled gently on his hips and Jesse couldn’t help but moan. Saul was so careful now, a stark contrast to last nights action.

But Saul hadn’t been in his right mind. He wouldn’t have hurt him under normal circumstances. How would he? He was the one who always picked him up, always treated him right. Always had before, always would after. Jesse was sure of it. So he didn’t resist being turned over, resting his ass on the soft mattress. He grunted gratefully as Saul proceeded to clothe him with a _DEEP PURPLE!_ Shirt and PJ-pants. The older one manhandled him under the covers, his hands lingering on Jesse’s damp hair.

“I-”

“I like it when you call me Jess. Makes me feel all funny inside.” Saul smiled as he watched Jesse snuggle under his covers and damn it felt good to have to kid back. “I want you to stay here”, the words left his mouth before he could regret them, “I want to have you in this bed forever, all warm and tangled up or on the couch next to me. I don’t know why and I-…I just feel like keeping you safe from the world so that this”, the lawyer gestured to his arm, “doesn’t happen again. That you don’t feel the need to do this again. Ever. Believe me Jesse when I tell you that I only want the best for you.” He gulped in a big breath of air, only to conclude with: “I’m so sorry Jess. I don’t know what happened last night, but I know that it should have never happened, and never will again. You have my word.”

The whole time Jesse’s eyes were on him, so openly displaying his emotions that Saul could have drowned in them, wanted to kiss the young man in his bed, but as Jesse tugged him down on to it, he settled with his chest against Jesse’s back, spooning him as Jesse started to doze off. He would have kissed him, but that clearly hadn’t been Jesse’s intention. So he wrapped his arms around the young man and slipped off to sleep. Maybe another time.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked this word vomit and found it enjoyable  
> I'm trying my best here so bear with me here, Jesse's talk is so much fun to write and i hope it sounds a bit like him  
> If you liked it why not review and tell me about your ideas and suggestions or what else you want to see and blah blah blah  
> Till we meet again my friends! (awkward)


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